Flowering

Flowering…spreading, disseminating, blooming…what a foil to yesterday’s “Outsider”!

It’s almost as though I am being challenged to face my outsider-ness (if I may make up a word) and devise alternatives to my ingrained outlook.  In fact, it is the exact thing that I find so incredibly difficult to do.  It’s not that I don’t want to – who doesn’t want to spread happiness and wisdom!? – it’s just that my fear of vulnerability keeps me from exposing myself many times.

I am certain that I want to improve those aspects of my life, but am a little shaky on how to begin.  When you spend your whole life building walls, it’s hard to wake up one day and say, “I just want to see the horizon!”  You have to either climb over the walls or tear them down before you see that vista.  That’s where I am now.  I know what I want, but I need to work through the well-established obstacles in order to get there.  It may take some time, but I love having a goal and I have no greater reason than my child, for whom I want to be a positive force, influence, and mentor.  To be able to release my inhibitions and fears to be a more confident, aware, present, and joyous person is probably one of the best gifts I can give my child.

So, just for today, some ideas for how to spread happiness and enlightenment:

• smile and say “hello” to each person I see
• engage fully in every conversation I have
• don’t be slow with a hug (if appropriate)
• listen intently
• let down my guard and share a little bit of my joy with others

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Zen wants you living, living in abundance, living in totality, living intensely – not at the minimum as Christianity wants you, but at the maximum, overflowing. 

Your life should reach to others. Your blissfulness, your benediction, your ecstasy should not be contained within you like a seed. It should open like a flower and spread its fragrance to all and sundry – not only to the friends but to the strangers too. 

This is real compassion, this is real love: sharing your enlightenment, sharing your dance of the beyond.

Osho Christianity, the Deadliest Poison and Zen… Chapter 5

The Queen of Rainbows is like a fantastic plant that has reached the apex of its flowering and its colors. She is very sexual, very alive, and full of possibilities. She snaps her fingers to the music of love, and her zodiac necklace is placed in a way that Venus lies over her heart. The sleeves of her garment contain an abundance of seeds, and as the wind blows the seeds will be scattered to take root where they may. She is not concerned whether they land on the soil or on the rocks – she is just spreading them everywhere in sheer celebration of life and love. Flowers fall on her from above, in harmony with her own flowering, and the waters of emotion swirl playfully beneath the flower on which she sits. 

You might feel like a garden of flowers right now, showered with blessings from everywhere. Welcome the bees, invite the birds to drink your nectar. Spread your joy around for all to share.

Zen Day Who Knows at This Point: Outsider

That’s right, I’ve lost track.  And I’m too lazy to see what day I’m on.  But I think I’ve reached that point where counting the days no longer seems relevant – the point of counting the days was, at first, to give some sort of shape to the seemingly insurmountably huge and long process of IVF.  Now, on the other side, every day is just another new day in my new existence post-IVF and presently pregnant.  The significance of days has dissipated, I suppose – yes, there is still definitely forward motion, but life is getting back to living, not waiting or anticipating.

Picking the Outsider card again today was so amazingly coincidental.  I had just begun to really process the issues surrounding my father yesterday – issues that stem back much, much farther than his recent psychotic episode, issues that originate at my birth and, as I am realizing, have shaped my world view and relationships for better and worse.  I have realized that I carry a lot of fear and lack a sense of self-worth when it comes to opening myself up to relationships.  Beyond my immediate family and partner, I really don’t have any close friends and I certainly don’t allow anyone to get too close to me.  Afraid of rejection, disappointment, and embarrassment, I have guarded myself from deep platonic relationships and even, to some extent, to some aspects of my romantic relationships.

It is not an easy thing to admit about oneself and one’s life choices.  It can be deflating and demoralizing.  But it can also be empowering.  To take control of one’s unconscious pain and to chart a more conscious, positive existence – even if through an uncomfortable process – is an unspeakably wonderful gift to give oneself.

I’ve been in the habit of watching a few TED talks before bed and, last night, this one popped up.  How extraordinary of a coincidence and what a wonderful message.

You can check out the video here: Brene Brown: On Vulnerability

 

Game on!

Alright, kiddos!  Here we go!

Looks like we’ve got something a’brewin’ in my belly!

BD was absolutely hilarious this morning.  While gushing and talking after the phone call from the clinic, I mentioned how weird it feels to know that there’s a (future) human being inside me that I can’t feel – BD’s response?  Totally deadpan, without skipping a beat: “I think you need to eat some cantaloupe.”  Huh?  I guess cantaloupe is healthy and babies do need healthy things, so his natural conclusion was that I need to eat cantaloupe.  He cracks me up!

Second-best goes to my sister who broke down sobbing over the phone: “I’m *gasp* just so *gasp* HAPPY *sob* for you!”  Man, is she a trip.

As I told her, the whole reason we want a baby is to share all that love that we all have for each other.  It will be so much fun and so beautiful to share it even more!  I feel so blessed that my family is as excited as we are – I feel so connected to the circle of life and the interconnectedness of life and family.  Truly, truly awesome it is.

(By the way, thanks for the positive thoughts – every little bit helped and is helping!!!)