Zen who?

Today we had our second ultrasound and found not one, not two, but three heartbeats.

THREE.

We only implanted two embryos and were told by our doctor that he had never had a case of an embryo splitting in his 30+ years in practice.  Upon doing a little google-style research, the natural splitting of an embryo has a ONE PERCENT chance of happening.

I don’t win the lotto, raffles, or HGTV prizes.  You know what I win?  Three jury duties in one year and triplets.

Seriously.

Neither of us know whether to laugh or cry.  We both got the immediate “Oh, shit” down pretty much on cue.

I am making light of this, but I am really in a quagmire.  I have so many emotions that are conflicting and absolutely larger than life.  Too big for this body that is already full from supporting four of us.

What a glorious working of genetics that BD and my genes have resulted in our creating identical twins.  It’s amazing to think about.  But three babies in any frame – let alone my 5’1″ one – make for an officially high-risk situation.  BD and I are pragmatists and, luckily, aren’t constrained by religious dogma when it comes to considering all of our options.  But, even so, what a situation to be faced with – this was not even on the radar of possibility.

I’m so afraid.  I’m afraid of getting attached to these babies.  I’m afraid of making such a big decision as to what to do with their futures.  I’m afraid of not making the right decision.

We have several weeks – at least five or six – to go until we can make any decisions or have much more information.  A lot can happen in five or six weeks.  Heck, we went from one embryo to three in one week.  Who knows where we’ll be in six weeks.

I would love to find some Zen in the midst of all of this.

Flowering

Flowering…spreading, disseminating, blooming…what a foil to yesterday’s “Outsider”!

It’s almost as though I am being challenged to face my outsider-ness (if I may make up a word) and devise alternatives to my ingrained outlook.  In fact, it is the exact thing that I find so incredibly difficult to do.  It’s not that I don’t want to – who doesn’t want to spread happiness and wisdom!? – it’s just that my fear of vulnerability keeps me from exposing myself many times.

I am certain that I want to improve those aspects of my life, but am a little shaky on how to begin.  When you spend your whole life building walls, it’s hard to wake up one day and say, “I just want to see the horizon!”  You have to either climb over the walls or tear them down before you see that vista.  That’s where I am now.  I know what I want, but I need to work through the well-established obstacles in order to get there.  It may take some time, but I love having a goal and I have no greater reason than my child, for whom I want to be a positive force, influence, and mentor.  To be able to release my inhibitions and fears to be a more confident, aware, present, and joyous person is probably one of the best gifts I can give my child.

So, just for today, some ideas for how to spread happiness and enlightenment:

• smile and say “hello” to each person I see
• engage fully in every conversation I have
• don’t be slow with a hug (if appropriate)
• listen intently
• let down my guard and share a little bit of my joy with others

****

Zen wants you living, living in abundance, living in totality, living intensely – not at the minimum as Christianity wants you, but at the maximum, overflowing. 

Your life should reach to others. Your blissfulness, your benediction, your ecstasy should not be contained within you like a seed. It should open like a flower and spread its fragrance to all and sundry – not only to the friends but to the strangers too. 

This is real compassion, this is real love: sharing your enlightenment, sharing your dance of the beyond.

Osho Christianity, the Deadliest Poison and Zen… Chapter 5

The Queen of Rainbows is like a fantastic plant that has reached the apex of its flowering and its colors. She is very sexual, very alive, and full of possibilities. She snaps her fingers to the music of love, and her zodiac necklace is placed in a way that Venus lies over her heart. The sleeves of her garment contain an abundance of seeds, and as the wind blows the seeds will be scattered to take root where they may. She is not concerned whether they land on the soil or on the rocks – she is just spreading them everywhere in sheer celebration of life and love. Flowers fall on her from above, in harmony with her own flowering, and the waters of emotion swirl playfully beneath the flower on which she sits. 

You might feel like a garden of flowers right now, showered with blessings from everywhere. Welcome the bees, invite the birds to drink your nectar. Spread your joy around for all to share.

Zen Day Who Knows at This Point: Outsider

That’s right, I’ve lost track.  And I’m too lazy to see what day I’m on.  But I think I’ve reached that point where counting the days no longer seems relevant – the point of counting the days was, at first, to give some sort of shape to the seemingly insurmountably huge and long process of IVF.  Now, on the other side, every day is just another new day in my new existence post-IVF and presently pregnant.  The significance of days has dissipated, I suppose – yes, there is still definitely forward motion, but life is getting back to living, not waiting or anticipating.

Picking the Outsider card again today was so amazingly coincidental.  I had just begun to really process the issues surrounding my father yesterday – issues that stem back much, much farther than his recent psychotic episode, issues that originate at my birth and, as I am realizing, have shaped my world view and relationships for better and worse.  I have realized that I carry a lot of fear and lack a sense of self-worth when it comes to opening myself up to relationships.  Beyond my immediate family and partner, I really don’t have any close friends and I certainly don’t allow anyone to get too close to me.  Afraid of rejection, disappointment, and embarrassment, I have guarded myself from deep platonic relationships and even, to some extent, to some aspects of my romantic relationships.

It is not an easy thing to admit about oneself and one’s life choices.  It can be deflating and demoralizing.  But it can also be empowering.  To take control of one’s unconscious pain and to chart a more conscious, positive existence – even if through an uncomfortable process – is an unspeakably wonderful gift to give oneself.

I’ve been in the habit of watching a few TED talks before bed and, last night, this one popped up.  How extraordinary of a coincidence and what a wonderful message.

You can check out the video here: Brene Brown: On Vulnerability