Tag Archives: pregnancy

Flowering

Flowering…spreading, disseminating, blooming…what a foil to yesterday’s “Outsider”!

It’s almost as though I am being challenged to face my outsider-ness (if I may make up a word) and devise alternatives to my ingrained outlook.  In fact, it is the exact thing that I find so incredibly difficult to do.  It’s not that I don’t want to – who doesn’t want to spread happiness and wisdom!? – it’s just that my fear of vulnerability keeps me from exposing myself many times.

I am certain that I want to improve those aspects of my life, but am a little shaky on how to begin.  When you spend your whole life building walls, it’s hard to wake up one day and say, “I just want to see the horizon!”  You have to either climb over the walls or tear them down before you see that vista.  That’s where I am now.  I know what I want, but I need to work through the well-established obstacles in order to get there.  It may take some time, but I love having a goal and I have no greater reason than my child, for whom I want to be a positive force, influence, and mentor.  To be able to release my inhibitions and fears to be a more confident, aware, present, and joyous person is probably one of the best gifts I can give my child.

So, just for today, some ideas for how to spread happiness and enlightenment:

  • smile and say “hello” to each person I see
  • engage fully in every conversation I have
  • don’t be slow with a hug (if appropriate)
  • listen intently
  • let down my guard and share a little bit of my joy with others

****

Zen wants you living, living in abundance, living in totality, living intensely – not at the minimum as Christianity wants you, but at the maximum, overflowing. 

Your life should reach to others. Your blissfulness, your benediction, your ecstasy should not be contained within you like a seed. It should open like a flower and spread its fragrance to all and sundry – not only to the friends but to the strangers too. 

This is real compassion, this is real love: sharing your enlightenment, sharing your dance of the beyond.

Osho Christianity, the Deadliest Poison and Zen… Chapter 5

The Queen of Rainbows is like a fantastic plant that has reached the apex of its flowering and its colors. She is very sexual, very alive, and full of possibilities. She snaps her fingers to the music of love, and her zodiac necklace is placed in a way that Venus lies over her heart. The sleeves of her garment contain an abundance of seeds, and as the wind blows the seeds will be scattered to take root where they may. She is not concerned whether they land on the soil or on the rocks – she is just spreading them everywhere in sheer celebration of life and love. Flowers fall on her from above, in harmony with her own flowering, and the waters of emotion swirl playfully beneath the flower on which she sits. 

You might feel like a garden of flowers right now, showered with blessings from everywhere. Welcome the bees, invite the birds to drink your nectar. Spread your joy around for all to share.

Tagged , ,

Zen Day Who Knows at This Point: Outsider

That’s right, I’ve lost track.  And I’m too lazy to see what day I’m on.  But I think I’ve reached that point where counting the days no longer seems relevant – the point of counting the days was, at first, to give some sort of shape to the seemingly insurmountably huge and long process of IVF.  Now, on the other side, every day is just another new day in my new existence post-IVF and presently pregnant.  The significance of days has dissipated, I suppose – yes, there is still definitely forward motion, but life is getting back to living, not waiting or anticipating.

Picking the Outsider card again today was so amazingly coincidental.  I had just begun to really process the issues surrounding my father yesterday – issues that stem back much, much farther than his recent psychotic episode, issues that originate at my birth and, as I am realizing, have shaped my world view and relationships for better and worse.  I have realized that I carry a lot of fear and lack a sense of self-worth when it comes to opening myself up to relationships.  Beyond my immediate family and partner, I really don’t have any close friends and I certainly don’t allow anyone to get too close to me.  Afraid of rejection, disappointment, and embarrassment, I have guarded myself from deep platonic relationships and even, to some extent, to some aspects of my romantic relationships.

It is not an easy thing to admit about oneself and one’s life choices.  It can be deflating and demoralizing.  But it can also be empowering.  To take control of one’s unconscious pain and to chart a more conscious, positive existence – even if through an uncomfortable process – is an unspeakably wonderful gift to give oneself.

I’ve been in the habit of watching a few TED talks before bed and, last night, this one popped up.  How extraordinary of a coincidence and what a wonderful message.

You can check out the video here: Brene Brown: On Vulnerability

 

Tagged , , ,

Zen Day 39: Past Lives


The last time I picked this card – on Day 2 of this adventure – the commentary was, quite frankly, so beyond me that I obviously really had nothing to say!

I know that I was hung up on the concept of “past lives,” something that I really don’t believe in, per se.  I do not believe that souls reincarnate from one body to the next, willfully choosing to regenerate and continue an ongoing existence until reaching spiritual enlightenment.  Perhaps one day I will change my mind.

What I do believe in is the oneness of the universe and cosmos.  I do believe that you, I, this computer that I am typing on, the cords and airborne waves that transmit information, the Gatorade that I’m (still) drinking, as well as the purple martins chirping outside my door, my dogs rolling in dirty laundry, and my babies forming their tiny hearts (this week!) are all connected and made of the same thing.  What all these things have been, what all these things are, and what they will all become is the same – we are all, in some shape or form, of this universe and therefore share a oneness that is divine and eternal.

So, in that sense, yes I believe in past lives.  I know that what I am made up of has always existed and will always exist, even if not consciously.

Thus in contemplating the idea of “past lives,” I am drawn to that idea of universality, oneness, eternity, and the cyclical nature of things.  I am eternal as my children develop inside me, taking of my body to create new life.  I am eternal when I die, my ashes becoming part of the ocean and trees and rain and, perhaps one day, reintegrating into another life form.

For today, I will contemplate how I my eternal footprint looks – and will look.  As a part of the cosmos, what I do and who I am matters, if only simply because I exist.  My existence should bring peace and joy.  Am I doing that?  If not, what inhibits or obstructs me?  If I am, how can I spread it further?

To be completely honest, such questions and meditations take on a whole new meaning to me now as I sense my little maybe babies coming to life.   Life is so much bigger and grander than I ever imagined.

****

Today, an hour into the day, I am feeling much better than I have for the past two days.  One thing is for sure: that Chinese dinner the other night, while awesome, has cured me of any yen for Chinese food (you know, the psychosomatic connection between food and feeling ill, perhaps).  It was a wonderfully calm and uneventful day yesterday spent at a resource fair for families of children in a federal education program for tiny ones; it was actually a really wonderful gathering of resources and it was heartening to see families find job solutions, education opportunities, and health and medical advice in one room.

One of my coworkers, who is like my auntie, is on me daily about getting my support system prepared for the children – daycare, doctors, babysitters, and the like.  Culturally, we come from very different places – where I was raised and am surrounded by people who believe you should be self-sufficient and manage your own family affair individually, she comes from a background where help and guidance and interaction are almost expected.  I am very lucky to have her and my other coworker here to provide that type of support when even my own family approach is to leave it alone to me to figure out.  So, I started vaguely browsing around for daycares and came to the realization that I need to engage in conversation with other mothers; the resources readily available on the internet are not the only ones (and certainly not the most affordable – $1000 a month for daycare?!).

I better stop procrastinating from getting the dogs off the pile of dirty laundry and start my day…

Tagged , , , ,