Man is split. Schizophrenia is a normal condition of man–at least now. It may not have been so in the primitive world, but centuries of conditioning, civilization, culture and religion have made man a crowd–divided, split, contradictory…. But because this split is against his nature, deep down somewhere hidden the unity still survives. Because the soul of man is one, all the conditionings at the most destroy the periphery of the man. But the center remains untouched–that’s how man continues to live. But his life has become a hell. The whole effort of Zen is how to drop this schizophrenia, how to drop this split personality, how to drop the divided mind of man, how to become undivided, integrated, centered, crystallized. The way you are, you cannot say that you are. You don’t have a being. You are a marketplace–many voices. If you want to say ‘yes’, immediately the ‘no’ is there. You cannot even utter a simple word ‘yes’ with totality…. In this way happiness is not possible; unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality.
Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 3
The person on this card brings a new twist to the old idea of “getting stuck between a rock and a hard place”! But we are in precisely this sort of situation when we get stuck in the indecisive and dualistic aspect of the mind. Should I let my arms go and fall head-first, or let my legs go and fall feet-first? Should I go here or there? Should I say yes or no? And whatever decision we make, we will always wonder if we should have decided the other way. The only way out of this dilemma is, unfortunately, to let go of both at once. You can’t work your way out of this one by solving it, making lists of pros and cons, or in any way working it out with your mind. Better to follow your heart, if you can find it. If you can’t find it, just jump–your heart will start beating so fast there will be no mistake about where it is!
I was just lamenting my loss of Zen in the past few days – now that the ball has really started rolling in our IVF process, I have noticed myself getting wrapped up in anticipation and excitement, boredom and anxiety – an overall feeling of just wanting it to be Friday for the implantation and then the 23rd for the test.
I know that I need to reconnect with the present moment. To let go of the if’s, when’s, how’s, but’s, why’s (and all the rest of it) and just be content and happy in the moment. But, this is seriously a test unlike any other that I have taken. To learn to focus on the present when I know that I have 13 little blobs just waiting for us to make one or two of them into family members is a Sisyphean task.
So, let’s scheme. How can I become more conscious in these days when all I am yearning for is the future?
1. Notice when my mind wanders: this is something I’ve learned from yoga. It’s okay that your mind wanders, just take note of when it happens and what caused it to happen.
2. Take note of all of the things around me to be grateful for in this moment: regain appreciation for the present moment by being more mindful of my surroundings. If this means I need to talk a short walk or close my eyes to meditate for a few minutes, just do that.
3. Breathe consciously: now, obviously, it’s difficult – damn near impossible, I’d say – to breathe consciously throughout an entire workday, but you can certainly return to your breath when you find yourself wandering.
4. Be self-compassionate: okay, I’m being a little coddling to myself here, but, seriously, there’s no reason to flagellate yourself for not being perfectly present.
Recap of Day 23: incredibly bloated, heart-burny, and uncomfortable. I’m not sure if it’s the OHSS protocol, meds, or just the natural process of this whole procedure, but my body feels totally out of whack. When I say everything is uncomfortable, I mean EVERYTHING. Obviously, I haven’t figured out how to relieve the discomfort (maybe I should work on that. Genius me.) I don’t think that the progesterone fools around with me, hormonally, to the same degree as the stims, for which I am eternally grateful.