Category Archives: Buddhism

Zen who?

Today we had our second ultrasound and found not one, not two, but three heartbeats.

THREE.

We only implanted two embryos and were told by our doctor that he had never had a case of an embryo splitting in his 30+ years in practice.  Upon doing a little google-style research, the natural splitting of an embryo has a ONE PERCENT chance of happening.

I don’t win the lotto, raffles, or HGTV prizes.  You know what I win?  Three jury duties in one year and triplets.

Seriously.

Neither of us know whether to laugh or cry.  We both got the immediate “Oh, shit” down pretty much on cue.

I am making light of this, but I am really in a quagmire.  I have so many emotions that are conflicting and absolutely larger than life.  Too big for this body that is already full from supporting four of us.

What a glorious working of genetics that BD and my genes have resulted in our creating identical twins.  It’s amazing to think about.  But three babies in any frame – let alone my 5’1″ one – make for an officially high-risk situation.  BD and I are pragmatists and, luckily, aren’t constrained by religious dogma when it comes to considering all of our options.  But, even so, what a situation to be faced with – this was not even on the radar of possibility.

I’m so afraid.  I’m afraid of getting attached to these babies.  I’m afraid of making such a big decision as to what to do with their futures.  I’m afraid of not making the right decision.

We have several weeks – at least five or six – to go until we can make any decisions or have much more information.  A lot can happen in five or six weeks.  Heck, we went from one embryo to three in one week.  Who knows where we’ll be in six weeks.

I would love to find some Zen in the midst of all of this.

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Flowering

Flowering…spreading, disseminating, blooming…what a foil to yesterday’s “Outsider”!

It’s almost as though I am being challenged to face my outsider-ness (if I may make up a word) and devise alternatives to my ingrained outlook.  In fact, it is the exact thing that I find so incredibly difficult to do.  It’s not that I don’t want to – who doesn’t want to spread happiness and wisdom!? – it’s just that my fear of vulnerability keeps me from exposing myself many times.

I am certain that I want to improve those aspects of my life, but am a little shaky on how to begin.  When you spend your whole life building walls, it’s hard to wake up one day and say, “I just want to see the horizon!”  You have to either climb over the walls or tear them down before you see that vista.  That’s where I am now.  I know what I want, but I need to work through the well-established obstacles in order to get there.  It may take some time, but I love having a goal and I have no greater reason than my child, for whom I want to be a positive force, influence, and mentor.  To be able to release my inhibitions and fears to be a more confident, aware, present, and joyous person is probably one of the best gifts I can give my child.

So, just for today, some ideas for how to spread happiness and enlightenment:

  • smile and say “hello” to each person I see
  • engage fully in every conversation I have
  • don’t be slow with a hug (if appropriate)
  • listen intently
  • let down my guard and share a little bit of my joy with others

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Zen wants you living, living in abundance, living in totality, living intensely – not at the minimum as Christianity wants you, but at the maximum, overflowing. 

Your life should reach to others. Your blissfulness, your benediction, your ecstasy should not be contained within you like a seed. It should open like a flower and spread its fragrance to all and sundry – not only to the friends but to the strangers too. 

This is real compassion, this is real love: sharing your enlightenment, sharing your dance of the beyond.

Osho Christianity, the Deadliest Poison and Zen… Chapter 5

The Queen of Rainbows is like a fantastic plant that has reached the apex of its flowering and its colors. She is very sexual, very alive, and full of possibilities. She snaps her fingers to the music of love, and her zodiac necklace is placed in a way that Venus lies over her heart. The sleeves of her garment contain an abundance of seeds, and as the wind blows the seeds will be scattered to take root where they may. She is not concerned whether they land on the soil or on the rocks – she is just spreading them everywhere in sheer celebration of life and love. Flowers fall on her from above, in harmony with her own flowering, and the waters of emotion swirl playfully beneath the flower on which she sits. 

You might feel like a garden of flowers right now, showered with blessings from everywhere. Welcome the bees, invite the birds to drink your nectar. Spread your joy around for all to share.

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Zen Day 40: Experiencing

You just look around, look into the eyes of a child, or into the eyes of your beloved, your mother, your friend – or just feel a tree. Have you ever hugged a tree? Hug a tree, and one day you will come to know that it is not only that you have hugged the tree but that the tree also responds, the tree also hugs you. Then for the first time you will be able to know that the tree is not just the form, it is not just a certain species the botanists talk about, it is an unknown God – so green in your courtyard, so full of flowers in your courtyard, so close to you, beckoning you, calling you again and again.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 2

An “experience” is something that can be filed away in a notebook, or captured on film and pasted into an album. ‘Experiencing’ is the feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us. 

The woman in this card is not just touching this tree, she is in communion with it, she has almost become one with it. It is an old tree, and has seen many hard times. Her touch is gentle, reverent, and the white on the inside of her cape reflects the purity of her heart. She is humble, simple – and that is the right way to approach nature. Nature doesn’t bang any drums when it bursts forth into flower, nor play any dirges when the trees let go of their leaves in the fall. But when we approach her in the right spirit, she has many secrets to share. 

If you haven’t heard nature whispering to you lately, now is a good time to give her the opportunity.

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After half the night spent awake fretting over the smallest (to the largest) worries I have, I would say that this is the universe giving me a big ol’ smack on the butt and a silent, “Dummy!  Shut up and live!”

Sometimes I need that.  At least my mother claims that I’ve always been overly sensitive and analytic, over-thinking things and unable to let them go.  I know this about myself.  It can be a, well, shall we call it preoccupation?

It has always been a very conscious act on my part to separate myself from my mind and to simply observe unthinkingly in order to just experience the world around me.  I suppose I can’t force my mind to stop analyzing, I can only recognize it, be aware of it.  But I can also be more mindful of the world around me and try to drink it in just for the sake of its being there.

That is one of the many reasons that I was initially drawn to BD – where I am overly analytic and bookish, he is a lover of nature and of the world.  He is very observant and is always able to point out the random hawk flying overhead (in the city?!) or the bluebird perched at the top of a tree.  Just being around BD makes me more observant and mindful, which I treasure.

And so…today I will make a concerted effort to just observe and experience.  To enjoy.  To not over-think or analyze.  Even if it kills me.

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Last night I had my first pregnancy-related hormonal meltdown.  At least it was ridiculous enough that we were both laughing while I couldn’t stop crying.  I was just so tired!  And it wasn’t helped by the fact that BD and I had been quibbling over upcoming trips and chores and projects.  BD was a sweetheart and just played along; luckily, a restaurant down the street was having a guest chef doing a taco night (my childhood favorite), so we went over there and gorged ourselves on quesadillas and carne asada tacos.

I finally figured out how to explain to BD what my discomfort feels like: I feel like someone has cut me open, inserted an aspic into my belly, and closed me back up again.  Every time I take a step, the aspic jiggles, and because it’s crammed into my gut, it really hurts inside my belly!  That’s about as accurate a description as I can come up with.

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