That’s right, I’ve lost track. And I’m too lazy to see what day I’m on. But I think I’ve reached that point where counting the days no longer seems relevant – the point of counting the days was, at first, to give some sort of shape to the seemingly insurmountably huge and long process of IVF. Now, on the other side, every day is just another new day in my new existence post-IVF and presently pregnant. The significance of days has dissipated, I suppose – yes, there is still definitely forward motion, but life is getting back to living, not waiting or anticipating.
Picking the Outsider card again today was so amazingly coincidental. I had just begun to really process the issues surrounding my father yesterday – issues that stem back much, much farther than his recent psychotic episode, issues that originate at my birth and, as I am realizing, have shaped my world view and relationships for better and worse. I have realized that I carry a lot of fear and lack a sense of self-worth when it comes to opening myself up to relationships. Beyond my immediate family and partner, I really don’t have any close friends and I certainly don’t allow anyone to get too close to me. Afraid of rejection, disappointment, and embarrassment, I have guarded myself from deep platonic relationships and even, to some extent, to some aspects of my romantic relationships.
It is not an easy thing to admit about oneself and one’s life choices. It can be deflating and demoralizing. But it can also be empowering. To take control of one’s unconscious pain and to chart a more conscious, positive existence – even if through an uncomfortable process – is an unspeakably wonderful gift to give oneself.
I’ve been in the habit of watching a few TED talks before bed and, last night, this one popped up. How extraordinary of a coincidence and what a wonderful message.
You can check out the video here: Brene Brown: On Vulnerability