Zen Day 7: Letting Go

In existence there is nobody who is superior and nobody who is inferior. The blade of grass and the great star are absolutely equal…. But man wants to be higher than others, he wants to conquer nature, hence he has to fight continuously. All complexity arises out of this fight. The innocent person is one who has renounced fighting; who is no longer interested in being higher, who is no longer interested in performing, in proving that he is someone special; who has become like a rose flower or like a dewdrop on the lotus leaf; who has become part of this infinity; who has melted, merged and become one with the ocean and is just a wave; who has no idea of the “I”. The disappearance of the ”I” is innocence.

Osho The White Lotus Chapter 6

In this image of lotus leaves in the early morning, we can see in the rippling of the water that one drop has just fallen. It is a precious moment, and one that is full of poignancy. In surrendering to gravity and slipping off the leaf, the drop loses its previous identity and joins the vastness of the water below. We can imagine that it must have trembled before it fell, just on the edge between the known and the unknowable. To choose this card is a recognition that something is finished, something is completing. Whatever it is–a job, a relationship, a home you have loved, anything that might have helped you to define who you are–it is time to let go of it, allowing any sadness but not trying to hold on. Something greater is awaiting you, new dimensions are there to be discovered. You are past the point of no return now, and gravity is doing its work. Go with it–it represents liberation.

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After another sleepless night, I woke up this morning not exactly grumpy, per se, but self-pitying.  Why can’t I sleep another hour?  Why can’t I just relax without thinking about doing anything? It was quite the pity party for a few moments.  But, then I remembered that BD had made me dinner while I napped yesterday afternoon and that he let me choose the movie to watch last night and that he took out the old incontinent dog at 3 a.m.  – and I couldn’t really think of a reason to complain.

There are many things in our shared life that have changed over the past few months.  Priorities have shifted; activities, hobbies, projects, even friends have changed as we’ve gained clarity on our future together.  I can’t speak for BD, but I certainly am overcome with fear and doubts sometimes.  There are times that I miss hanging around with people who are easy and unchallenging, filling my days with so many activities that I don’t have time to breathe, and spending my time and money on having fun rather than planning and saving.  But, then I think of how much more fulfilled, peaceful, and true to my self that I feel now.  Yes, I have shed people and plans, but I have also gained new people and new plans that don’t simply fill my time, they energize and challenge me.

I suppose my point is that I do try to remember the Buddhist water metaphor daily – like Thich Nhat Hahn’s image, the wave is only temporal, it disappears into the tide and always just goes back to the sea.  So is Osho’s droplet of dew or, in reality, our lives.  We have to be okay with letting go of each moment and opening our hearts to the moments to come, whatever those moments may bring.

Who knows what is coming for BD and me.  I have no freaking clue.  I know that I am thankful for whatever it will be and I am ready to embrace it.

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I’ve noticed that I now drink an inordinate amount of tea these days; like, 12-16 cups a day if I’m home all day.  Weirdo.  I think it’s the cold weather combined with my hand-mouth fixation.  I can’t have caffeine anymore, so I’m relegated to herbal teas and my traditional Chinese medicine practitioner suggested that I start drinking lemon tea (supposed to be good for liver meridian imbalances).  I’d never been into citrus teas as I was raised with milk in my black tea (citrus and dairy just don’t sound like a winning combination, if you ask me), but I really dig the stuff.

Well, when I ran out of lemon tea the other day, I turned to my refrigerator to see what I could boil up on my own.  The result: ginger lemon tea (or hot water, depending on how picky you are in terminology).  It is light, peppy, warm, and makes for a great digestive in the evening:

Ginger Lemon Tea

  • 1 big knob of ginger, cut into 1-inch chunks
  • 1/2 lemon, halved
  • agave syrup or honey to taste
  • pot of water

Put the ginger in the pot and boil; squeeze the lemon into a teapot.  Once the water is boiling, pour into the teapot and let steep for a few minutes before serving.  Add sweetener if desired.  (I personally like the tang alone!)

Tip: I leave the ginger in the pot for a day or two, to let the water really take on the ginger flavor.  mmmmm…..

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Recap of Day 6: I had my first minor heat flashes (I think) and was unusually sluggish, the latter of which I think is the result of poor sleeping.  My feet were still swollen (BD thinks that’s residual Mardi Gras-marching pain, but I disagree).  I noticed that I bruised again in Day 5’s injection site, although it wasn’t nearly as big or bad as the first bruise.  I took a melatonin at 10:00 p.m. to help me sleep; I feel asleep easily within a half-hour, but awoke around 3:00 a.m. to the dogs pestering each other.  From then on, we were all awake on and off.  BD pointed out that we both had horrid dreams – he’s begun to have stress dreams centered around being able to provide for a family and I had a dream about not wanting to rock the boat even though I knew something horrible had happened.  So, that’s to say that there is stress and it is manifesting itself; honestly, I think we are really helping the stress by laying low – no late nights or big parties or engagements.  In a weird way, I think we’re nesting, just preparing for the potential of the new person.

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