Zen Day 38: Courage

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed. 

Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls – and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many. 

There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves. 

The same is the path for man. It is arduous. Much courage will be needed.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 4

This card shows a small wildflower that has met the challenge of the rocks and stones in its path to emerge into the light of day. Surrounded by an aura of bright golden light, it exposes the majesty of its tiny self. Unashamed, it is equal to the brightest sun. 

When we are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow. 

The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

****

It’s funny how some things work – from the moment I woke up this morning, I kept repeating to myself, “You can do this.  You can do this.  You can do this.”  You see, as of yesterday morning, I have officially exited the No Symptom Zone and entered some wacky land of combined meds/first trimester nastiness.  Mostly, the painful bloating is causing extreme cramping (which really makes me grateful that in my normal life I don’t experience these ever!!  Didn’t know how lucky I was!) and a general inability to transition between different positions without major discomfort.  I know this will pass and I know it is worth it, but WOWIEZOWIE is this distractingly painful!

Add in to the mix our dinner last night with my father’s ex, who still remains his biggest supporter.  It was a lovely dinner, but tinged with the melancholy and slight awkwardness that comes with that sad, hulking pink elephant sitting in the corner of the room.

It is nothing short of amazing to me that I am technically already five and a half weeks pregnant (a medical technicality that is frustratingly confusing to my entire family given the practical knowledge that this/these being(s) have only resided in my belly for not even two weeks).  It is going by so quickly and I want to treasure every single moment of it.  But with these distractions – both internal and external – it is so easy to forget to be present.

The Flower reminds me to keep the larger goals in mind, to “not sweat the small stuff.”  To be mindful that there is purpose and beauty and meaning – and that trials and tribulations are part of the journey.  Physical ailments will come and go, family crises will come and go, seasons and celebrations and mournings and lulls will come and go.  In all honesty, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, let alone today.  All I can do is maintain the fortitude to put one step in front of the other and to smile.  And it will be as it should.

****

Recap of Day 37: At the clinic yesterday, the nurse inquired if I was feeling any cramping or had any bleeding, to which I quickly replied, “Not at all!”  Fast-forward 3 hours and I was in a brand-new situation.  Cramp-opolis Population: Me.  And between now and then it has not subsided much.  I definitely noticed that I am helped some by not wearing anything tight around my bloated midsection (note to self: jeans are not such an awesome idea right now.  I don’t care if it’s the only clean pair of pants, don’t do it).  I’ve been fairly good about weighing myself – the clinic wants to make sure I don’t gain 5 pounds in a day, which would indicate massive fluid retention – and I’m consistent, so I really can’t do much except wait for it to subside.  Not my favorite solution of all time, but the one I’m stuck with….  As my doctor told me yesterday, if I weren’t bloated, he’d be concerned – bloating is common with all women who respond well to IVF and I just need to continue to drink ridiculous quantities of Gatorade and V8 until it goes away.

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