Zen Day 29: Integration

Hmmmm, do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?!  How many times have I pulled this card this month?  Three?  Four?  I’ll check, but it’s definitely in first place for frequency.

But, I must admit that it is a very basic – and by “basic,” I mean fundamental – concept that “Integration” touches upon.  At least for this animal.  The schizophrenic tendencies (which are only amplified by the super-doses of hormones) between peace and pettiness are jarring on both a physical and spiritual level.  I usually refer to it as my “reactivity” to things – the emotional force that compels me to respond to certain triggers.  Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not some kind of raging lunatic; I just prefer to be non-reactive and calm all the time – that’s a pretty simple goal, right?  (Please note the overt sarcasm.)

Again, this morning I was reactive when BD really pulled out a winner of a move in the “bad moves for men with partners going through IVF” – seriously, this one was for the books.*  (Have you ever read the blog, My Husband is Annoying?  This would totally go in there.)  But, at least today, even though I was reactive – jaw agape, staring at BD and repeating, “Really?  REALLY?!” – I could feel the schism between my two selves.

And I think that’s something to be aware of in this process of becoming a more conscious person – even in the moments when we are “reactive” and non-integrated, if we can at least recognize that it’s happening within us, that is a step in the right direction.  Of course, the next step is to be able to figure out why that schism occurred and what we can do to bolster our better selves in future triggering instances.

So, here’s to being a little more conscious…even in those special moments…

****

Recap of Day 28: Not much to report aside from frayed nerves all around.  BD doesn’t do well when I’m inactive and I don’t do well with him being antsy around me when I’m inactive, so you can imagine how that went.  Today I’m back to active duty (minus heavy lifting – i.e. 20 lbs. – and other strenuous activity until the pregnancy test on Friday).  I feel a little nauseous (perhaps because I took my vitamins before I ate?), but, other than that, I’m feeling more “normal” than I have in weeks.  The bloating is kind of subsiding, the ovaries seem to be deflating (they don’t hurt anymore, at least), my emotions feel more stable.  Heck, even my nerves about this entire process are calm – for some reason, I don’t feel the same distraction that I did before the extraction and implantation.  Go figure.

*Here’s what happened: this whole weekend, BD didn’t do the dishes.  This morning when I said something about it, he said, “I know.  I did it as a test to see when you would say something.”  ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?!  A test to see when I would say something?  Your partner is on bed rest after having your potential children implanted and you decide that’s a good time to “test” her reaction to dishes not being done?  Had you thought about the fact that the use of ALL THE DISHES would mean that today we won’t have any to eat from while they’re all being washed in the dishwasher?  Did that factor into your test? Or that you were leaving all the dishes for me to do today?  Yeah, I was pretty steamed.

I think he may have gotten it.  When we got home from the dog park, he immediately did all the dishes.

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