Zen Day 27: Fighting

One moment it was there, another moment it is gone. One moment we are here, and another moment we have gone. And for this simple moment, how much fuss we make! How much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred, just for this small moment! Just waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to possess, trying to boss, trying to dominate – all that politics. And then the train comes and you are gone forever.

Osho Take it Easy, Volume 1 Chapter 13

The figure in this card is completely covered in armor. Only his glare of rage is visible, and the whites of the knuckles on his clenched fists. If you look closely at the armor, you can see it’s covered with buttons, ready to detonate if anybody so much as brushes up against them. In the background we see the shadowy movie that plays in this man’s mind – two figures fighting for a castle.  An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.  If this description seems to fit you, it’s time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let it in. Start by forgiving yourself: you’re worth it.

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Like the other spiritually dualistic cards that I’ve pulled, my meditation on “Fighting” is less about violence, per se, than struggle and conflict.  And how timely, like many of the cards, is it that I’ve pulled this particular card today.  Immediately, two things came to the fore of my mind, one somewhat trivial and one somewhat massive.

I realized yesterday that I’m having a hard time surrendering to the total absence of activity that comes with bed rest.  Even being totally cognizant of the greater picture, I found myself getting jealous of BD when he went with some friends to an art opening and a party at a boutique down the street.  Why?  What is the point of that wasted negative energy?  I suppose I’m still having a little tango between my freewheelin’ Self and the Me now.  Even writing about it now seems silly – I know that I am so blessed to be laying here with two little blobs in my body that are hopefully getting settled.  I just need to connect with that appreciation for the mundane, with every nanosecond that I spend here thanks to the divine order of the universe and the adventure that it is granting me.

The larger fight that I should acknowledge is my father.  I have to be honest and admit that I didn’t want to dignify it yesterday because it was such a momentous and joyous day, but, if this card is any indication, I should at least be open about this.  I’ve been estranged from my father for several months, which has been difficult for me and BD.  My father is a complicated individual; a real lone wolf with many issues and even more ideas and creativity.  I ended up choosing to sever contact with him because of his increasingly erratic and negative behavior towards BD, specifically, and me by association.  It was a deflating moment – to say the least – and I think of him daily.  But, after a lifetime of having a non-present father who I’d stuck my neck out for in order to have a relationship with as an adult, I finally hit my breaking point.

Well, long story short, upon getting into the car after the transfer yesterday morning, whose missed call do I see on my phone?  Yup.  No message.  A very large part of me – like, 99% – wants to ignore it and move on.  That’s the anger speaking.

My greatest fear as a parent is passing along my negativity towards my father.  I am a believer that you can pass on family issues inter-generationally through energy and, while I’m making great strides to make sure that I’m in a healthy and secure place with all the rest of my relationships, the one I have with my father remains a major obstacle for me.

So, I would be lying if I said that there is not a fight going on inside me.  I do have anger that my father intruded on such an important day for me and BD.  And the thing that kills me is that I know I need to release it somehow.  It is, quite literally, the last and only weight that holds me back – and the one that I don’t want to pass to my children.

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Recap of Day 26: Yesterday was the most emotional day since the day I got married.  In many ways, it was more emotional.  When we got married, BD and I had already gone through so much together – from family deaths to hurricanes to buying property to illness – that marriage was somewhat natural and logical.  Yesterday, though, was the first step in the creation of our own family – something that is bigger than just the two of us.  It was one of the most sublime experiences I have ever been apart of.  (Do NOT listen to any women who complain about the full bladder issue!  At least here in New Orleans at the Fertility Institute, the nurses are very kind and don’t want you to be that uncomfortable – they’ll let you empty your bladder if it’s too full.  And, besides, with the surrounding events, any feeling associated with a full bladder kind of flies out the window, you know?)

Now two days out from the first of two acupuncture treatments this week, I’d say I’m a convert – I feel so much relief and attribute much of it to the acupuncture.  Definitely do it.

Lessons I’m learning from bed rest:

1. stock up on food you want before you’re bed-ridden, especially if your partner isn’t inclined to cook what you want.

2. gather all of the things you need/want for entertainment beforehand; for me that’s all the back issues of ‘The New Yorker’ I haven’t gotten through, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon, a book of sudoku, my laptop, and earphones.  The earphones, by the way, have come in super handy as BD has been working with power tools in his shop under the house and the nextdoor neighbor’s visiting niece just discovered his drum kit, which sits about 15 feet from my bedroom window.

3. do not, under any circumstances, watch movies & shows on Netflix for the entirety of the bed rest.  Force yourself to read a book, goddamnit!  You – i.e., me – know you complain about not having enough time to read all the time!

4. give in and relinquish all control.  When the doctor said don’t do anything but lay down, he meant, DON’T DO ANYTHING BUT LAY DOWN.  this means that you can’t control what’s going on and that you have to rely on your partner for, well, pretty much everything.  It can be an excellent exercise in letting go, trusting, and humility, if you let it.