Day 23: Guidance

You have to look for guidance because you don’t know your inner guide is hidden inside you. You have to find the inner guide, and that’s what I call your witness. That’s what I call your dharma, that’s what I call your intrinsic buddha. You have to awaken that buddha and your life will shower blessings, benediction. Your life will become so radiant with good, with godliness, more than you can possibly conceive. It is almost like light. Your room is dark, just bring light in. Even a small candle will do, and the whole darkness disappears. And once you have a candle you know where the door is.You don’t have to think about it: “Where is the door?” Only blind people think about where the door is. People who have eyes and the light is there, they don’t think. Have you ever thought, “Where is the door?” You simply get up and go out. You never give a single thought to where the door is. You don’t start groping for the door or hitting your head against the wall. You simply see, and there is not even a flicker of thought. You simply go out.

Osho God is Dead: Now Zen is the Only Living Truth Chapter 7

The angelic figure with rainbow-colored wings on this card represents the guide that each of us carries within. Like the second figure in the background, we may sometimes be a little reluctant to trust this guide when it comes to us, because we are so accustomed to taking our cues from the outside rather than from the inside. The truth of your own deepest being is trying to show you where to go right now, and when this card appears it means you can trust the inner guidance you are being given. It speaks in whispers, and sometimes we can hesitate, not knowing if we have understood rightly. But the indications are clear: in following the inner guide you will feel more whole, more integrated, as if you are moving outwards from the very center of your being. If you go with it, this beam of light will carry you exactly where you need to go.

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Yes indeed.  This card is exactly what I was preaching to my sister yesterday – so much easier to preach than to live, though, eh?  No, in all honesty, I’ve been finding myself closer to my truth than I ever have before.  Such closeness and openness requires a true consciousness, honesty, and bravery, though:

1. Consciousness: you must be aware that you have an inner voice – some people call it “your gut instinct” – that knows on some level what is the best course of action.

2. Honesty: you must be willing to actually listen to that voice and honor what it is telling you.

3. Bravery: you must be brave enough to follow through with your voice.

A big part of this three-part realization is the recognition that your inner guide can be clouded by other voices, those of parents, coworkers, friends, anyone who might judge or guide you differently.  You must be able to separate out your voice from the chorus and focus on that single aria of your truth.

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Well, it’s been a few days.  A few very long, very busy, very good days.

We had the egg retrieval on Sunday morning at 8:30.  It was a pretty simple procedure (made all the more simple given the fact that I was under anesthesia), during which the doctor extracted 17 eggs.

I have been a little torn about being so disconnected from the actual conception as I do believe that each soul is impacted at this crucial moment, so I spent every moment prior to the procedure sending love and positive thoughts to all of my eggs (hokey, perhaps).  You better believe I made BD do the same thing when he provided his sample.

So far it seems to have worked, though, because we got a call from the clinic yesterday morning that 13 eggs fertilized!  13!  When’s the last time you made 13 zygotes?  It’s a first for us, for sure!  We are over the moon with this first tiny victory.  I’ve been sending love to them almost constantly, hoping that it reaches those little 2-3 cell entities….

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Recap of Days 21 – 22: Sunday (Day 21 – The Outsider) was a complete wash.  I was groggy most of the day from the procedure, so slept through most of it.  The procedure itself was entirely painless.  On a side note: the clinic’s facilities are impeccable!  It’s like a mini hospital!  I guess that’s what you get for all of that money, huh?  Anyway…  I was put on the hyperstimulation protocol because I responded a little too well (I mean, 44 follicles – are you kidding?!), which means that I’m supposed to ingest as much Gatorade and salt as humanly possible…”Woohoo!”  says the salt fiend!

Monday (Day 22 – Inner Guide) took for.ev.er.  Seriously.  These days of waiting are going to take a lifetime, I fear!  I did get crampy and felt more bloated yesterday, but that was the extent of it.  Now, the majority of my meds are pills that are distributed through the day, so getting down that protocol took a little thinking, but wasn’t brain science or anything.

Progesterone Run-Down: BD is a master progesterone shot giver – much better than the nurse!  But, I think the trick is to have one of those ice packs (you know, like the ones for lunch boxes) or a bag of peas to put on your butt for 20 minutes prior to the shot.  The nurse suggested that we do the shots in the morning so that my butt would get less sore because I’ll be moving throughout the day – she is right.  It’s not really the shot that gets you – it’s the meds.  It really does make your butt sore and, unfortunately, I don’t know that there’s anything you can do about it.

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