Beyond mind, there is an awareness that is intrinsic, that is not given to you by the outside, and is not an idea — and there is no experiment up to now that has found any center in the brain which corresponds to awareness. The whole work of meditation is to make you aware of all that is “mind” and disidentify yourself from it. That very separation is the greatest revolution that can happen to man.
Now you can do and act on only that which makes you more joyous, fulfills you, gives you contentment, makes your life a work of art, a beauty. But this is possible only if the master in you is awake. Right now the master is fast asleep. And the mind, the servant, is playing the role of master. And the servant is created by the outside world, it follows the outside world and its laws.
Once your awareness becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created. There is no blissfulness more precious than freedom, than being a master of your own destiny.
Osho From the False to the Truth Chapter 7
The Master in Zen is not a master over others, but a master of himself –and this self-mastery is reflected in his every gesture and his every word. He is not a teacher with a doctrine to impart, nor a supernatural messenger with a direct line to God, but simply one who has become a living example of the highest potential that lies within each and every human being. In the eyes of the Master, a disciple finds his own truth reflected. In the silence of the Master’s presence, the disciple can fall more easily into the silence of his own being. The community of seekers that arises around a Master becomes an energy field that supports each unique individual in finding his or her own inner light. Once that light is found, the disciple comes to understand that the outer Master was just a catalyst, a device to provoke the awakening of the inner.
I really hate to admit this, but today is the first day that I can, in no way, relate to the card that I have pulled and I am pretty sure that this is a product of the absolutely horrid morning that preceded my reading of the card. Quite literally, I can see the words of Osho’s commentary but cannot decipher them in any way, such is my level of frustration today.
Remember that concert with friends last night? Well, fast-forward to this morning, after I came home at 10pm and he came home at 4am. Obviously, when I woke him up at 6:30 to do our morning rituals I knew he wouldn’t be in the best mood, but he was a complete loony toon. I mean, seriously tired (probably massively hung-over) not happy. Perhaps on another morning, I could have dealt with it, but on this morning – on this weekend – of all possible weekends – I could not handle his attitude and subsequently went through the roof. I am still pretty angry all these hours later and, I’m sorry to say, unsure of how to handle it. I’d like to say that I can shake it off, but I’m a little beyond that at this point.
I know I need to find a way to channel this anger or else it will just devour my day, which does nothing for anyone. It just makes me livid when my better half – god love him – gets all bent out of shape and then tries to blame it on me to justify his actions. I abhor letting him get away with that line of thinking and speaking. It annoys me more than nails on a chalkboard. More than stepping on a hill of fire ants. It really. ticks. me. off.
So, yeah, I need to let that go. Not being so zen right now. And we’re at the tail end of the little adventure. I know I need to dig into my reserves and pull out my best self.
I think I’ll write him a letter. I usually am much more effective at communicating during tense situations when I can write down my thoughts. Perhaps that will help. Not zen, but proactive.
Recap of Day 19: We took the HCG shot! Because BD was all wrapped up in his party-planning, he kept pushing our schedule tighter and tighter, so that we made it home 6 minutes before “shot time,” which made me a total wreck. After the shot, however, all was well and we had a nice time hanging out with friends at another friend’s condo in the Quarter. After I learned that the band we were seeing didn’t come on until midnight, I decided to call it a night early and just go home, which I’m happy I did as BD didn’t get home til 4am.
I’ve noticed that my breasts are increasingly tender and achy and that the spot where I took the HCG shot feels massively bruised. Also, I was up for a good part of the night with aching ovaries; I could lay on my side because it put too much pressure on them. Weird.
No shots today, though! Love the reprieve! I’m massively excited about tomorrow, which is one reason I really want everything to be happy and good – I am a believer that your soul is impacted by your conception and I really want my baby’s conception – as weird and science-y as it is – to be a joyous occassion.