Day 19: Clinging to the Past

These tenses–past, present and future–are not the tenses of time; they are tenses of the mind. That which is no longer before the mind becomes the past. That which is before the mind is the present. And that which is going to be before the mind is the future. Past is that which is no longer before you. Future is that which is not yet before you. And present is that which is before you and is slipping out of your sight. Soon it will be past…. If you don’t cling to the past…because clinging to the past is absolute stupidity. It is no longer there, so you are crying for spilled milk. What is gone is gone! And don’t cling to the present because that is also going and soon it will be past. Don’t cling to the future–hopes, imaginations, plans for tomorrow–because tomorrow will become today, will become yesterday. Everything is going to become yesterday. Everything is going to go out of your hands. Clinging will simply create misery. You will have to let go.

Osho The Great Zen Master Ta Hui Chapter 10

The figure pictured in this card is so preoccupied with clutching her box of memories that she has turned her back on the sparkling champagne glass of blessings available here and now. Her nostalgia for the past really makes her a ‘blockhead’, and a beggar besides, as we can see from her patched and ragged clothes. She needn’t be a beggar, of course–but she is not available to taste the pleasures that offer themselves in the present. It’s time to face up to the fact that the past is gone, and any effort to repeat it is a sure way to stay stuck in old blueprints that you would have already outgrown if you hadn’t been so busy clinging to what you have already been through. Take a deep breath, put the box down, tie it up in a pretty ribbon if you must, and bid it a fond and reverent farewell. Life is passing you by, and you’re in danger of becoming an old fossil before your time!

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I thought of this card’s warning this morning while I was driving to work after my appointment at the clinic, nearly bouncing out of my seat with excitement and anticipation.  I have been struggling with extreme excitement and fear for weeks now;  I am so full of hope and happiness yet am afraid that I will not see my desired result at the end of this adventure.  This morning, while getting wound up with glee, I was able to remind myself, Be happy for this moment.  Be thankful for this moment.  You cannot change the past and you cannot predict the future.  Just enjoy right now.

I felt very lucky to have that little tool in my kit and it helped to curb the usual knee-jerk reaction to happiness that I’ve had lately.

I was finally given the green light to take the HCG – aka “trigger shot” – tonight for the egg extraction on Sunday morning at 8:30 a.m.!  Out of the FORTY-FOUR follicles that I’ve developed this cycle, the nurse thinks that they will extract 25.  There’s gotta be something good in a few of those 25, right?

This precisely timed HCG shot must be given at 8:30 tonight, which is slightly intrusive in plans we have made to catch a band coming through town tonight with a bunch of friends.  Fortunately, we live fairly close to the action and our friends can be pretty unobservant, so I don’t think we’ll have any problem disappearing for half an hour to get home and take the shot.  And then we don’t have to take any shots tomorrow!  Woot!

So, right now, if all goes well, the schedule will be extraction on Sunday, implantation on Friday, and pregnancy test on Friday the 23rd.  If the embryos aren’t looking so hot, they may opt to implant on Wednesday, so let’s just cross our fingers that all our little bits and pieces play nice when they meet up on Sunday…

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Recap of Day 18: besides the usual (tired, bloated, headachy), it was a pretty good day.  Beware pending TMI: the nurse wanted BD to ejaculate one last time before the retrieval (when he’ll give his semen), so we, well, you know.  Not the most fun thing I’ve ever done in my whole life, for sure.  I had no idea exactly how sore, bloated, and tender I was until that was attempted.  The nurse was shocked that I even attempted.  Ha!  So, lesson learned the hard way: your body does not want to be poked and prodded after 18 days of stims meds.  Save yourself the grimacing and your partner the embarrassment, and just give him a little “special time” alone.

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