We are miserable because we are too much in the self. What does it mean when I say we are too much in the self? And what exactly happens when we are too much in the self? Either you can be in existence or you can be in the self–both are not possible together. To be in the self means to be apart, to be separate. To be in the self means to become an island. To be in the self means to draw a boundary line around you. To be in the self means to make a distinction between ‘this I am’ and ‘that I am not’. The definition, the boundary, between “I” and “not I” is what the self is–the self isolates. And it makes you frozen–you are no longer flowing. If you are flowing the self cannot exist. Hence people have become almost like ice-cubes. They don’t have any warmth, they don’t have any love–love is warmth and they are afraid of love. If warmth comes to them they will start melting and the boundaries will disappear. In love the boundaries disappear; in joy also the boundaries disappear, because joy is not cold.
Osho Zen: The Path of Paradox, Volume 1 Chapter 5
In our society, men in particular have been taught not to cry, to put a brave face on things when they get hurt and not show that they are in pain. But women can fall into this trap too, and all of us at one time or another might feel that the only way to survive is to close off our feelings and emotions so we can’t be hurt again. If our pain is particularly deep, we might even try to hide it from ourselves. This can make us frozen, rigid, because deep down we know that one small break in the ice will free the hurt to start circulating through us again. The rainbow-colored tears on this person’s face hold the key to breaking out of this ‘ice-olation’. The tears, and only the tears, have the power to melt the ice. It’s okay to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of your tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves, and finally helps us to heal.
You get one guess what I was accused of about 30 minutes after I pulled this card.
Yup. Being ornery. Last night I was not feeling exactly optimal (more like, downright nauseous and bloated) and apparently thwarted, quite rudely, BD’s attempts to help. Now, if you were to ask me, I’d have said, ‘I was not being rude! I felt like poo and just wanted to be left alone!’ But, from BD’s perspective, I completely shut down and would not allow him to intervene or assist in any way. I would not have even considered his point of view as a plausible possibility if I had not pulled this card just before our conversation.
I know that I do have a habit of shutting down and building a pretty thick wall when faced with adversity or obstacles (such as not feeling well). I am learning that I’m not so fast at catching that habit. Definitely something that I need to work on.
I am feeling an overall lack of consciousness in the last day; as I told BD this morning, I have been so focused with the intention of having this egg retrieval on Saturday that when I was told we would have to wait until Sunday or Monday, my proverbial sail collapsed. I felt like all of my energy was just sapped and I could not find my reserves. I have been trying to regain my footing throughout the day, keeping the image of the rainbow tear in my mind’s eye – it is healthy to be emotional, it is ok for me to have a ‘moment’ about this delay in plans, but I need to get back on the horse after my ‘moment’ ’cause this game ain’t over yet.
Recap of Day 17: I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, all day. After being disappointed that the retrieval was going to be delayed, I just could not pull myself together for the remainder of the day. BD was playing music at a friend’s house when I got home from work but wanted us all to have dinner together; I couldn’t get up the pep to do it, so just dropped dinner off to the guys, came home, ate a bowl of mashed potatoes (who does that?!), and was in bed by 8:45 p.m. I was just ready for the day to be over, I think.
Today didn’t really start out any better. I was still feeling down and BD was stressed about work, which resulted in us having a little spat that ate up my morning. So, I left the house without eating breakfast (and then didn’t get to eat until 3:30 p.m.) and showed up at the clinic only to be used as the guinea pig for the new ultrasound machine (which meant that the usual 2-minute follicle-counting procedure became a 15-minute one. Awesome.). Luckily, most of my day was eaten up by a meeting for a museum group I work with and an acupuncture appointment (how frou-frou do I sound!?), which helped to get me out my funk. And then came the nurse’s call that the doctor thinks we’ll do the HCG trigger shot tomorrow! Oh, how I hope so. I. am. so. ready.