Day 16: Rebirth

In Zen you are coming from nowhere and you are going to nowhere. You are just now, here, neither coming nor going. Everything passes by you; your consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified. When a lion roars in front of a mirror, do you think the mirror roars? Or when the lion is gone and a child comes dancing, the mirror completely forgets about the lion and starts dancing with the child–do you think the mirror dances with the child? The mirror does nothing, it simply reflects. Your consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do you come, nor do you go. Things come and go. You become young, you become old; you are alive, you are dead. All these states are simply reflections in an eternal pool of consciousness.

Osho Osho Live Zen, Volume, 2 Chapter 16

This card depicts the evolution of consciousness as it is described by Friedrich Nietzsche in his book, Thus Spake Zarathustra. He speaks of the three levels of Camel, Lion and Child. The camel is sleepy, dull, self-satisfied. He lives in delusion, thinking he’s a mountain peak, but really he is so concerned with others’ opinions that he hardly has any energy of his own. Emerging from the camel is the lion. When we realize we’ve been missing life, we start saying no to the demands of others. We move out of the crowd, alone and proud, roaring our truth. But this is not the end. Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being. Whatever the space you’re in right now–sleepy and depressed, or roaring and rebellious–be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is a time of growth and change.

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The message of the day seems to be – at least for crabby, achy me – is to keep an open mind and let life happen.  Kind of hard when all I want to do is complain.  But, I need to remember that this discomfort is only temporary; it has been survived by numberless others and I, too, will get through it pretty much unscathed.  Do not be a camel or a lion.  Be a mirror.  Probably not a child…at least not the kind of child I’m thinking of right now, which really equates a full-out limbs-flailing-on-the-floor temper tantrum.

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Recap of Day 15: Ugh.  I am the human equivalent of a balloon animal.  My ovaries hurt, I have nausea and headaches on and off, and a double-dose of Miralax proved to help nil.  Last night, I was up for a good 30 minutes because the simple touch of BD near my lower abdomen really freaking hurt.  I woke up this morning on my back with my arms crossed – I never sleep like that and I immediately thought, uh-oh, I’m already on the defensive with my arms like this.

Those follicles are mean little suckers, I tell you.  At least I’ve got a couple already at 16.5 (whatever that means – all I know is that they need to be at 18), so we’re almost there.  Almost…there.  Watching the ultrasound is bizarre – the follicles basically look like black circles that grow seemingly exponentially in size every day.  Looking at these huge black orbs on the screen makes it very clear why my abdomen is so uncomfortable!  I wish I could say that I’m feeling all tickly and fuzzy and happy, but this part of the process feels very disconnected and clinical to me; once there is a live, actual human being in there, I think my feelings will evolve…

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