Day 15: Healing (after Existence, which was after Healing…)

You carry your wound. With the ego, your whole being is a wound. And you carry it around. Nobody is interested in hurting you, nobody is positively waiting to hurt you; everybody is engaged in safeguarding his own wound. Who has got the energy? But still it happens, because you are so ready to be wounded, so ready, just waiting on the brink for anything. 

You cannot touch a man of Tao. Why? – because there is no one to be touched. There is no wound. He is healthy, healed, whole. This word whole is beautiful. The word heal comes from the whole, and the word holy also comes from the whole. He is whole, healed, holy. 

Be aware of your wound. Don’t help it to grow, let it be healed; and it will be healed only when you move to the roots. The less the head, the more the wound will heal; with no head there is no wound. Live a headless life. Move as a total being, and accept things. 

Just for twenty-four hours, try it – total acceptance, whatsoever happens. Someone insults you, accept it; don’t react, and see what happens. Suddenly you will feel an energy flowing in you that you have not felt before.

Osho The Empty Boat Chapter 10

It is a time when the deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface, ready and available to be healed. 

The figure in this card is naked, vulnerable, open to the loving touch of existence. The aura around his body is full of light, and the quality of relaxation, caring and love that surrounds him is dissolving his struggle and suffering. Lotuses of light appear on his physical body, and around the subtle energy bodies that healers say surround each of us. In each of these subtle layers appears a healing crystal or pattern. 

When we are under the healing influence of the King of Water we are no longer hiding from ourselves or others. In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed, and help others also to be healthy and whole.

****

This is the second time I’ve pulled this card – actually, I let BD pick the card on Saturday morning and this is what he chose (not that I took the time on Saturday to mark it).  Out of all of the cards, this is the one that resounds the most with me.  For me, at least, healing is the essence of what I try to do everyday.  Once one can become more conscious, one can let go, which then allows her to forgive and heal.  That is the cycle that I have arranged for myself, at least.  It is something that I’ve been trying to do for years (literally), but which has actually only come to fruition in the past few months.

Healing is not something you can force. It requires a self-compassionate consciousness that takes a lot of courage to raise; it is not easy to dig up past traumas or pain and to dissect them.  But, if you can manage the discomfort, you find so much liberation and space on the other side.  I must be honest and say that I have had assistance in confronting my traumas and reaching the state of healing.  I am of the opinion that some pain is too difficult to access and process on your own; having a counselor (or someone of that ilk) can really assist in guiding the process along in a productive way.  I have been working with a counselor using Advanced Integrative Therapy (please excuse the link to a particular professional’s site – it’s the only definition for AIT I could find; I don’t endorse anyone other than my own therapist who I have personal experience with) and cannot describe how much it has helped in my journey towards higher consciousness and healing.  Unlike traditional talk therapy, AIT is a very focused process, in which you pinpoint very particular “originating” traumas and focus on them intently, such that you are forced to think about them from all different angles and, ultimately, from an objective standpoint, from whence you can more clearly see others’ motives and intents as well as what happened to you emotionally as a result.

This may sound like crazy stuff, but I only mention it to say that there are all sorts of things out there to assist in reaching consciousness and healing, be it therapy, meditation, exercise, journaling – whatever pickles your tickle.

Here’s to a more peaceful and loving today.

****

Obviously, I skipped Days 13 (Healing) and 14 (Existence).  We got so busy that I couldn’t find 2 minutes to sit down!  BD and I had a really lovely weekend together, which we both were craving.  After work on Saturday, we went to a friend’s for dinner and gorged ourselves on barbequed shrimp and horseradish smashed potatoes…let me just say I ate more barbequed shrimp butter and bread than anything else, which is a shame, but a delicious shame nonetheless.  My friend, T (shot giver extraordinaire), was the host and invited another couple who have two sons via IVF; I think she was attempting a sort of IVF blind date, which was a little weird, but seeing as BD has absolutely no desire to talk with anyone about IVF, the topic was never raised.  Weird!

Yesterday, we spent all day outside working in the yards and cleaning the front porch.   We were so pooped from all of the manual labor and sun that we passed out at 8:00 p.m.

We are really both so stressed and feeling some financial constraints besides so are trying our damnedest to be good to each other.  Usually, we are our worst enemies at times like these – I assume because we are easy targets.  But we are both really pulling out all the stops.  Yes, we got into a pretty nasty – albeit short – tiff yesterday morning, but we quickly realized what we were doing and shut it down, heartfelt apologies and all.

I am finding that it can be difficult for us to minimize the stress these days.  For one, I am just completely whacked out.  Two, we are operating on an extremely tight budget these days as BD’s work situation is slightly tenuous.  However, we’ve been combating it with the enforcement of a pretty strict schedule and just sticking it to it.  Come hell or high water, we know that we’ll take the dogs to the dog park at 7:20 a.m., that I’ll make breakfast at 8:00 a.m., that I’ll be home at 7:00 p.m….that sort of thing.  In short, we’re just cushioning ourselves in normal routine, which helps.

****

Recap of Days 12, 13, and 14: ovaries are a’achin’!  I’ve been feeling crampy and bloated for the past few days.  And looking the part, too.  The forewarned constipation has kicked in, too.  The overall feeling is very bizarre; I can literally feel my ovaries.  EWWWWWW.  I can’t push when I pee because it pushes on my ovaries, which really hurts.  DOUBLE EWWW.  The whole thing is not very cute.

I went to the clinic on Day 13 – Saturday – and everything looked good.  I guess your follicles have to be a 15 to be considered pregnancy-worthy and I had a couple of 10’s, a few 9’s, and some 8’s, 7’s and 6’s.  I must have been doing ok because they reduced my Follistim and Menupor dosages to 50 ml and 1 vial.  I, of course, did a little happy dance because that meant less burny shots for me!  I can really feel the reduced Lupron, too – I am sleeping better (i.e. no night sweats or nightmares), although I am still taking 2 melatonin just to be sure.

I go back to the clinic this morning – I’ll be going daily now – to see how I stand….

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