Zen Day 10: Integration

The conflict is in man. Unless it is resolved there, it cannot be resolved anywhere else. The politics is within you; it is between the two parts of the mind. A very small bridge exists. If that bridge is broken through some accident, through some physiological defect or something else, the person becomes split, the person becomes two persons and the phenomenon of schizophrenia or split personality happens. 

If the bridge is broken – and the bridge is very fragile – then you become two, you behave like two persons. In the morning you are very loving, very beautiful; in the evening you are very angry, absolutely different. You don’t remember your morning…how can you remember? Another mind was functioning – and the person becomes two persons. If this bridge is strengthened so much that the two minds disappear as two and become one, then integration, then crystallization, arises. 

What George Gurdjieff used to call the crystallization of being is nothing but these two minds becoming one, the meeting of the male and the female within, the meeting of yin and yang, the meeting of the left and right, the meeting of logic and illogic, the meeting of Plato and Aristotle.

Osho Ancient Music in the Pines Chapter 1

The image of integration is the unio mystica, the fusion of opposites. This is a time of communication between the previously experienced dualities of life. Rather than night opposing day, dark suppressing light, they work together to create a unified whole, turning endlessly one into the other, each containing in its deepest core the seed of the opposite. 

The eagle and the swan are both beings of flight and majesty. The eagle is the embodiment of power and aloneness. The swan is the embodiment of space and purity, gently floating and diving, upon and within the element of the emotions, entirely content and complete within her perfection and beauty. 

We are the union of eagle and swan: male and female, fire and water, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life, and mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.

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Now, bear with me, for I have entered a new level in this process: welcome to the meltdown.

Reading this card this morning, I interpreted it in my own special way, most likely not what Osho intended, but today it’s going to work for me (so there).  Two sides of your personality fighting?  Gee, welcome to my world!  Hormone-opolis, population 1.

I need to remember – somewhere in the back of my chemical-laden brain – that I am sane, that I am pumped full of drugs, and that I can get through this.  That there are days and times when I can carry myself with grace and that I need to call on those instances for inspiration to do the same now.

But then BD tells me he doesn’t want a phone upgrade and I completely melt.  Or I think about what I’m going to wear to work…and I melt.  Or I contemplate lipstick…and I melt.  No joke. At least three complete breakdowns this morning and it’s not even 11:00 a.m.  I think it’s a combination of – well, hell, let’s be honest, it’s just what it is.  I am injecting thousands of dollars worth of super-ovulatory drugs as well as menopause-inducing drugs into my system and my body’s not supposed to freak out?  I’m not even going to try to rationalize anything today.  But I do need to try to get through it with a little grace.

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Recap of Day 9: the first shot of Follistim and Menopur brought this game to a whole new level.  I have an incredible amount of respect for the women who can self-inject; I, personally, would not be able to inflict that amount of pain on myself willfully.  The issue is not the shot, per say; it’s the actual medication – there’s so much of it (and I guess it’s also kind of aggravating as-is) that it takes a good 20 seconds to administer.  It is nothing nice.  Poor BD felt awful that it hurt me and I felt awful for making him feel awful – it was a horrid circle of temporary suck.  I think we’ll get it down, though.

I saw the acupuncturist, who treated my insomnia, night sweats, and I don’t know what else.  I have to be honest and say that I’m not getting a lot – well, anything – out of these sessions, but if research says that it helps with IVF, then I’m going to keep doing it.

I went to dinner with a friend and only then realized how loopy I was (in large part due to stress, I imagine).  I took a melatonin to go to sleep, but was up a lot and had night sweats again.  This resulted in the genius idea – at 3 a.m. – to take another melatonin.  I think that may have contributed to some of my not-so-chipper mood today.  I really need to figure out this sleeping issue.

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