Zen Day 1: Totality

Today marks Day 1 of my IVF cycle and I’ve decided that I’m going to mark these days not by medications, side effects, or procedures, but by Zen lessons.  That doesn’t mean I won’t keep track of meds, side effects, and procedures, it’s just that I hope to do it from the lens of consciousness and peace.

Yesterday, it was my mother who reminded me to focus on, “Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!” through this process, for which I am most thankful.  It’s so hard to remember simple things like that right now.  I have an Osho Zen Tarot deck (okay, okay, I know it sounds cheesy) that I’ve used for a couple of years to help provide focus for each day (or, at least, those days I remember to do it).  It provides a beautiful Buddhist focus to my actions and thoughts and centers me as I move forward.

Today, I drew “Totality,” a card that I’ve never drawn before:

These three women are high in the air, playful and free, yet alert and interdependent.  In a trapeze act, nobody can afford to be a little bit “absent” even for a split second.  And it is this quality of total attentiveness to the moment at hand that is represented here.  We may feel there are too many things to do at once, but get bogged down in trying to do a bit here, a bit there, instead of taking one task at a time and getting on with it.  Or perhaps we think our task is “boring” because we’ve forgotten that it’s not what you do but how you do it that matters.  Developing the knack of being total in responding to whatever comes, as it comes, is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.  Taking one step through life at a time, giving each step your complete attention and energy, can bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all that you do.

Every moment there is a possibility to be total.  Whatsoever you are doing, be absorbed in it so utterly that the mind thinks nothing, is just there, is just a presence.  And more and more totality will be coming.  And the taste of totality will make you more and more capable of being total. 

And try to see when you are not total.  Those are the moments which have to be dropped slowly, slowly.  When you are not total, whenever you are in the head – thinking, brooding, calculating, cunning, clever – you are not total.  Slowly, slowly slip out of those moments.  It is just an old habit.  Habits die hard.  But they die certainly – if one persists, they die.


Well, contrary to popular belief (population: 1), I have survived my first Lupron injection.  As a matter of fact, it was absolutely no big deal – on a scale of one to ten, it was a one.  Seriously.  Not even a prick.  This doesn’t mean that I now feel like I can administer my own shots, but at least I’m not besides myself with fear.

My friend, T, was a total trooper to do such a huge favor for me.  So calm and assured.  It is such a blessing to realize that I have some really incredible friends.  I tend to be a reserved person, so it’s very rare that I allow anyone to get this intimate.    I’m just so thankful that a friend would be so supportive.  The love and gratitude that I feel is astounding.  I hope that I get a chance to reciprocate.


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