Dealing

Today I spent the better part of three hours on the phone with the insurance company and the fertility pharmacy.  Seriously.  Three.  Hours.  There is no reason to relive one second of those lost hours, but sufficed it to say:

human error + technology + large corporate structures = tangled web of bureaucratic shit that is impossible to get straight

Seriously, people, how hard can it be to say, “No, I did not order two prescriptions of the same medication.  Please do not double-bill me for these medications”?  (Especially when each of these puppies costs about $2,000!)

Well, of course, that little adventure plus finding the unwanted second prescription in my mailbox plus finding Baby Daddy asleep (with a house-full of antsy dogs) resulted in a mini-breakdown of mini-epic proportions.  I think it’s the combination (there’s a lot of combining trending in this post anyway, huh?) of Baby Daddy leaving tomorrow for a week (to go home for his mom’s birthday – yay!  Missing the first injection – boo.), the realization that I’m going to be taking a shit-ton of mood-altering drugs in a week, and overall fear of what’s to come.

I’m not one for cold feet.  When I got married, it was a total cinch.  When I bought a house, nothing.  I can make major life decisions on a dime and feel fine about it (buying a pair of shoes is an entirely different story, though).  This time around, however, I cannot shake the jitters.  I’m afraid of not getting pregnant.  I’m afraid of getting pregnant.  I’m afraid of getting pregnant with more than one embryo.  I’m afraid of being pregnant.  I’m afraid of giving birth.  I’m afraid of being a parent.  I ‘m afraid of being a wife AND a parent.

I suppose that maybe I’m afraid because, for the first time, I’m making decisions about and for someone else.  I’m not just acting on my own behalf on this one.  All of this is for another person.  And I really, really, really don’t want to mess that person up or disappoint him or her.

Which, obviously, leads to me becoming a blubbering wreck in the middle of the kitchen at 6:30 on a Wednesday evening.

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