One of the cornerstones of the mental trainwreck that is an IVF cycle is positive manifestation. If you’re not familiar with this little reality-warping psychological gem, positive manifestation is the conscious ideation of the belief that what you are striving for (in this case, a new human being) already exists. So, in short, you’re supposed to be planning for baby, thinking about what baby will look like, what things you’ll do with baby, what costume you’ll put on baby for next Mardi Gras. I’ve gone headlong into this delusion – hell, at this point, I’m throwing everything up against the wall to see what sticks – and am now a little frightened at the things I’ve entertained to create this happy bubble of Babyland.
Take, for instance, the EIGHTEEN parenting/birthing/baby product blogs that I now follow – and read. Or the pinterest account that I set up just to save pictures of things I want to buy for baby. Things I want to buy?! Who is this person? If you know anything about me, I am the worst shopper known to man! I hate things, I hate thinking about things, planning to buy things, or – most of all – actually purchasing things! Now, I have an entire pinterest account devoted to that simple commercial act for a nonexistent entity?!
Today, I caught myself – as if waking from a dream – researching prenatal care from midwifes versus doctors. What the f$#@? I know I need to be prepared. I know I need to be proactive. But do I really need to decide that right now?
This manifestation business has quickly warped into borderline obsession/descent into madness.
And we don’t even start the official madness until Monday.
It’s at moments like this when I catch myself losing me that I begin to get concerned. I’ve been told that it’s totally natural to get anxious about this, but I really get concerned. I don’t want to lose myself to this process. I don’t want to be undergoing this huge thing unconsciously, “waking up” occasionally to find myself debating prenatal healthcare. I want to be doing this because having a family will enrich our whole existence and sharing the world with a new person would be a very special privilege. When/if that happens, though, I want to still be me: to strive for personal and professional successes, to explore, to taste, to live passionately. I don’t want to lose all of that to an inane desire to purchase baby doodads and make homemade organic baby food purees.
Is that okay?